Austin,

 

I wanted you for so long that when I became pregnant I was shocked. I was at the point of my life that I was giving up my dream of becoming a mommy. I took a pregnancy test on December 22, 2007 and it took only seconds for it say pregnant. I was so surprised I yelled for you daddy. When he saw the test he just started crying, he was so happy.

Aunt Shelly confirmed on Christmas Eve that you were truly on your way and I was not dreaming. By Christmas everyone knew you were coming. The next months were the best of my life. I knew in a few short months that I would hold and love my son forever.

July 25th daddy and I were out buying you some more clothes. My back was really aching so I thought you would be on your way soon. Later that night I woke thinking my water had broken only to find blood instead. When the doctor told us you were gone we just broke down and cried and cried.

You were born at 1:26 p.m. July 26, 2008. We held you and cried for the loss of our dreams for you. We had you dressed in the St. Louis baseball outfit that we planned to bring you home in. The next day we had to talk about you funeral. We said goodbye to our beautiful baby boy on the 29th.

Austin, I am so sorry I didn't do my job as your mommy. I was supposed to protect you and I didn't do a very good job. I should have know something was wrong but I didn't. If I had know about the blood clot I would have anything within my power to save you.  I feel you are being punished for the mistakes I have made in my life. That I am not worthy of being you mother.

I want you to know that I would have given my life to save yours. I would have died so that you could have lived. When I lost you, I lost a huge part of myself and I know I will never be whole again. You are my heart and my heart aches everyday for you. There is a hole that can never be filled and I don't want it to be filled. If it was that would mean that you were truly gone. You will never be gone from my heart, head or my life. You will always be my son and I am so proud that you are. Although I can never physically hold you again. I hold you everyday. I love, kiss, hug and talk to each day. Every night I tell you that I love you , to sleep tight and I will talk to you tomorrow, then I sent you a kiss. You are never not I my heart or on my mind.

At times I feel someone walking in my footsteps or tugging on my leg only to turn and see nothing. I know it should be you. I feel like I am in a desert and I am sinking into the sand and cannot get free. Daddy and I keep each other strong not only thru our love for each other but also in our love for you.

I have found comfort in creating this site for you. I know that we belong to a club that no one would choose because the cost of belonging is too high. I know that you have touched the lives of those who light a candle for you even if only to remind them of their own loss. They have been caring and understanding in a way that no one who has never lost a child can. Some have comforted me without even knowing they have. Each person who lights a candle comforts me by saying that you are my son, I am a mommy and you do mean something even though you never took a breath of air. You were still alive within me.

Eventually daddy and I will have another baby. But you will always be our firstborn child together. Your future brothers and sisters will know all about you. they will see your pictures and the video of you. We will take them to visit your resting place. When daddy and I join you they will keep you alive. There is a piece of our family that will always be physically missing but not missing in any other way. You are always with us.

I think of all the things you will never get to do and I am sad for that. People tell me that you are in a better place and that things happen for a reason. There was no reason for this other than a fluke blood clot that developed. I guess I am selfish because you should be here with us. The only thing I can take comfort in is that you will never feel pain or be in danger or hurt.

Know that you are my greatest creation and that you will always be the best part of me. I have become a mommy, I am just a mommy that cannot hold and shower her baby with love. You made me a mommy and I am so thankful to you for that. I just wish we had the chance to share all the love we have for you.

Know that you are always with us and will always be a part of this family. You will forever be "our baby bean". I love you and miss you Austin. Until we are together forever, I will keep you with me in my heart. I am always with you.

 

I love you my sweet son,

Mommy